


Standing on the Edge of Tomorrow

by stillskies



Series: Standing [1]
Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-04
Updated: 2012-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-01 03:23:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/351436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillskies/pseuds/stillskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Growing up isn't easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Standing on the Edge of Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Written for round 3 of [Blind Go](http://blind-go.livejournal.com/). Originally posted as two parts.

**.//standing on the edge of death.1986**

The first time his parents take him to Chiba, he is five. His brother is running along the shore, surf nipping his feet. He watches in fascination as Hiroshi dances away, laughing and stumbling happily on the sand. His parents watch calmly, intervening only when he gets to close to the edge. 

"Yuki-chan," his brother calls, and he looks up, blinking wide eyes. "Come here!"

He smiles and takes off towards Hiroshi, ignoring the warning voices of his parents mingling with the calling of the gulls overhead. The water kisses his feet, and he jumps away with a shriek.

"Silly," Hiroshi scolds. "The water is cold."

Hiroyuki pouts. "But it's so hot, Onii-chan," he complains. "Why doesn't the sun warm the water?"

Hiroshi grins and ruffles his hair. "Because the ocean obeys no one."

His face scrunches up in confusion. "I don't understand."

There is silence, interrupted by the pulse of the surf and the call of the seagulls, and Hiroshi takes his hand. "You will when you're older."

"But you're only six years older than me!" he protests, wrapping his free hand around his brother's wrist and tugging. "I can understand if you can!"

"You're a baby, Yuki-chan," Hiroshi teases, pulling him closer to the edge of the coastline.

"M'not! And Ka-chan said you can't call me that, Hiro-nii!"

Hiroshi laughs and he glares at his brother's happy expression until the surf licks at his toes and he yelps in surprise. Hiroshi has let go of his hand and runs towards the waves, leaving him behind to stare at expanse of frigid water in front of him. 

He feels small and alone suddenly before the unchanging ocean, and he shivers. There is something about the horizon that calls to him, and e finds himself taking a step forward.

"Wait for me!" Hiroyuki calls before chasing after him, legs sluggishly pulling through the waist-deep water.

There is a shout behind him, and he turns to wave at his parents. Something curls around his ankle and he trips, the water rushing up to greet his face. He screams, drowning out the frightened yells of his parents and brother. 

The frigidness of the sea numbs his body and forces the breath from his lungs in a gasp. Water invades his mouth and he chokes, trying to spit it out and only succeeding in gathering more. He thinks he feels something wrap around his waist, and he thrashes about, trying to dislodge whatever it is. The grip around him tightens, pulling him up and out of the water. He splutters, coughing up water. Tears mix with the moisture clinging to his face, and a strangled cry is torn from his throat. "It's okay," is whispered in his ear, and he blinks up blearily at the figure holding him. 

His father looks down at him, face furrowed in worry, and he starts sobbing, clutching his father's shoulders. An arm strokes his back soothingly. He falls asleep to the rhythm of his father's heartbeat, the echo of his mother's voice, and the vast emptiness of the sea. 

He wakes up surrounded by blankets in their hotel room. Hiroshi is curled up next to him, hands tucked under his head, while his mother is sitting in a chair beside the bed, Sunako sleeping in her lap. 

"Kaa-san?" he says, and his throat begins to burn. Tears well up in his eyes and he begins to shiver, despite the cocoon of warmth he is in the middle of.

Ashiwara Ayana looks up and sighs in relief. "Thank goodness," she breathes, adjusting the sleeping baby in her hands as she moves to the bed. She places Sunako next to him, and he immediately fixes the blankets so that she is covered by them, as well. 

Sunako gurgles and cuddles against his side. He smiles down at her and pats her gently on the head, careful to keep from waking her. "Where is Tou-san and Ji-chan?" he asks quietly.

"Never mind them, Hiroyuki," Ayana scolds quietly. "How are you feeling? What on earth were you thinking, going that far out? You were told to go no further than the edge of the sand!"

He hangs his head and apologizes. His mind recalls the sheer power of the waves crushing against him, pulling him further and further out to sea. He can hear the faint echoes of the sea pounding in his ears, and suddenly he is bolting from the bed, unmindful of his sister who has begun screaming from the sudden jolt, dashing towards the bathroom. 

Bile climbs its way out his throat and pours into the toilet with sickening plops. He vomits until there is nothing left but the acrid taste of acid, and he chokes on it. He leans his head against the side of the bowl to regain his breath, and the cool feel of the porcelain calms the sudden heat in his face. Blood pounds in his ears, overpowering the concerned murmur of his mother. 

Gently, he is pulled away from the toilet, off the floor, and led back to the bed. Hiroshi has Sunako in his arms, calming her, but his eyes are trained on Hiroyuki as he climbs onto the mattress. Ayana takes Sunako after tucking him back into bed, and Hiroshi is once again curled up against him. Hiroshi's arm is wrapped around his waist now, and Hiroyuki's head is pillowed against Hiroshi's chest. 

The steady beating of Hiroshi's heart is pulling him away, slowly drowning out the roaring of the waves in his ears and putting him to sleep.

He hears Hiroshi's voice as he falls into the abyss of unconsciousness, whispering against his ear. "I'm sorry."

Sleepily, he turns and kisses his brother's cheek before surrendering to the blackness before his eyes.

 

**.//standing on the edge of fortune.1992**

Screams echo in his room on the morning of his eleventh birthday, shrill, horrible cries that spill from his lips as he surfaces from the nightmare and opens his eyes to the bright sunshine filtering through his window. 

Hazy images lurk behind his eyes as he bites his lip in an effort to stop the screams. His grandfather is at his side suddenly, stroking his hair and whispering that it was only a dream.   
The last vestiges of sleep fall away like cobwebs and he is left feeling shaky and clammy. He blinks at his grandfather and reassures him that he's fine, that there is no need to worry. Hirofumi looks at him skeptically but ruffles his hair and leaves as silently as he came. 

He climbs out of his futon slowly and walks down the hall to the bathroom. Sunako's laughter floats down the hall to greet his ears, and he firmly shuts the door on the happy sound. He showers quickly, pushing back the sudden panic that wells up in him as the water beats down on him. 

Everyone is gathered at the table when he comes down for breakfast, dressed in his school uniform with his hair wet against his neck.

"Good morning," he says as he sits down. He eyes the miso and eggs in front of him, and his stomach turns.

"Good morning," Ayana echoes, staring at him. "Is something wrong, Hiroyuki? You look pale. Are you not feeling well? Maybe you should stay home from school."

Hiroshi's laughter cuts in before he can reply. "He just doesn't want to go to school today because it's his birthday," his brother says, flicking a piece of egg at him.

"Hiroshi," Ashiwara Hiroki interjects. "Stop teasing your brother. And what have I told you about playing with your food?"

"I'm fine, Kaa-san," he says with a smile, ignoring Hiroshi. "I just didn't sleep well last night."

Ayana raises an eyebrow, and he can tell she doesn't believe him. She sighs and shakes her head, however, and smiles back. "If you're sure," she says. "Anyway, what did you want for your birthday, Hiroyuki?"

He looks down at his food and bites his lip. "I want to take the insei exam," he says.

Choking from across the table causes him to look up, and he sees Hiroshi pounding his fist against his chest. "What's wrong with that?" he asks his brother, glaring.

"Nothing," Hiroshi says, amused. "Only that you could ask for just about anything and you ask to take a test for a boring game."

"It's not a boring game!" he cries in defense. "Just because you can't even beat Sunako-chan in a simple game of capturing stones."

"I totally can!" Hiroshi denies. "I just let her win because she's so cute, is all."

He rolls his eyes and looks back to his parents and grandfather, who are all looking at him with matching expressions of bemusement.

"Are you sure that's what you want, Hiroyuki?" Hiroki asks with a small smile. "Your brother is right, you know." Ayana swats Hiroki across the head and Hirofumi kicks him under the table. "Ow! I meant about asking for anything! Not it being boring!" 

Hirofumi grunts. "I'll sign you up this afternoon, then," his grandfather says. "Now, what do you really want for your birthday?"

Hiroyuki blinks. "That is what I want," he replies with a smile.

"Boring!" Hiroshi says around a mouthful of egg. 

"Hush, Hiroshi," Ayana scolds. "If that's what he wants for his birthday, then that's what he wants."

Hiroshi rolls his eyes and steals Hiroyuki's eggs. Hiroyuki lets him. 

"Are we going out for dinner?" Sunako asks, tugging on his sleeve. "I want to go out for dinner for Yuki-nii's birthday!"

"Of course we are, Sunako-chan," Hiroki assures her.

"Yay!" she squeals. "Oh! Yuki-nii! I made you a card!" She jumps out of her chair and scampers from the room.

"What?" Hiroki cries in disbelief. "I didn't get a card!"

Hiroyuki sticks his tongue out. "I'm her favorite brother," he taunts.

"You are so not!" Hiroshi rejoins with a glare. "I am."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Then how come I get a handmade card?"

"Shut up, Yuki-chan."

"Kaa-san!"

"Both of you, quiet," Ayana says. "Hiroshi, you went to Hokkaido for your birthday, remember? You were gone the whole week. She lost the card before you came back. Hiroyuki, don't taunt your brother."

Hiroshi rolls his eyes. "I bet the card is lame, anyway."

"I bet it's not," Hiroyuki replies.

"Bet you it is."

"Bet you it's not."

"Enough," Hiroki cuts in, staring at both of them. "Hiroyuki, where do you want to go for dinner?"

Hiroyuki doesn't have a chance to reply as Sunako runs in the room, wielding a pink piece of paper. "Here you go, Yuki-nii!" she says as she proudly hands it to him.

He takes the card and looks at it. There are circles and lines on the front, and he assumes they're go stones, only he's not sure because they're not on the intersection of the lines and the circles are green and orange. Inside the card is a vague shape with messily written kanji inside. He can make out 'happy' and 'love' and 'brother,' but that's all. 

Smiling brightly, he bends down to kiss Sunako on the cheek. "Thank you, Sunako-chan," he says. "It's very pretty."

"See? See?" she says, taking the card from him and showing him the front. "These are go stones, and I'm orange and you're green! They form a heart!"

He looks closely and can make out the vague shape, but it's not defined enough to be clear. "I see!" he exclaims. "You are so creative, Sunako-chan!"

Sunako beams at him and takes her seat again. "Did Hiro-nii give you his present yet?" she asks.

Hiroyuki smiles across the table at his brother, who is now fidgeting in his chair. "No," he replies, deliberately raising his voice. "Hiro-nii hasn't given me a present yet. What did you get me, Hiro-nii?"

Hiroshi glares at Sunako. "I didn't get you anything."

"Liar!" Sunako cries gleefully. "I was with him when he bought it," she whispers.

"Sunako!" Hiroshi glares. "Don't lie to him. I didn't get you anything. Now, I have to leave for school or I'll be late." He stands and leaves the room.

Hiroyuki watches him go before taking a sip of his miso and standing. "I have to go, too," he says, dashing out of the room in time to hear the front door close. He toes his shoes on quickly and grabs his bag, opening the door and running out the door after his brother. 

"Hiro-nii!" he calls, seeing Hiroshi up ahead.

Hiroshi stops. "What?"

Hiroyuki skids to a stop in front of him. "Where's my present?"

"I told you I didn't get you anything," Hiroshi repeats. "Do you have a hearing problem?"

"I can hear just fine," he says. "I want my present."

"I thought you just wanted to take the old man exam."

He grinds his teeth together. "It's not an old man exam, Hiro-nii! It's the insei exam."

They are walking again, and Hiroshi replies, "Only old men play go, Hiroyuki. You should play basketball or tennis. You're good at both of them."

"I don't want to. I like playing go," he replies stubbornly.

Hiroshi shrugs his shoulders and sighs. "I know, I know. I just don't see what you see in it. I blame jii-chan."

"It's not jii-chan's fault! I wanted to learn!"

"What was your nightmare about?"

Hiroyuki stops in shock before scurrying to catch up. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He hears his brother sigh before Hiroshi says, "Don't lie to me. We all heard your screaming. What was it about?"

The pavement is riddled with cracks, and suddenly he's tracing the infractions with his eyes, likening the patterns to ones he is familiar with on the goban. "I don't remember," he says quietly, connecting two of the cracks in a hane. "I just remember a lot of water." 

Hiroshi's hand is in his hair, mussing it. "Don't worry about it," he advises.

He offers his brother a weak smile and pulls away. "Go to school, Hiro-nii," he replies as they reach the gate to his middle school. He turns away and begins walking.

"Yuki-chan," Hiroshi calls, and he stops.

"What is it? And don't call me that!"

"Here," Hiroshi says, holding out a wrapped package.

Hiroyuki grins and takes the present. "What is it?"

Hiroshi rolls his eyes. "Open it and find out. I'll see you at home tonight. Don't break any hearts today, Yuki-chan! It's not nice to make boys cry."

"Hiro-nii!" he yells, blushing. "Shut up!"

He watches his brother walk until he is out of sight before looking down at the colorfully wrapped package in his hands. He smiles and rips into the paper to reveal a book. He reads the title and grins.

"What do you have there, Ashiwara?" a voice behind him asks, and he turns around quickly, hugging the book to his chest.

"Good morning, Tashiro-kun," he says, sighing in relief. "Don't you have club activities in the morning?"

"Not today," Tashiro says with a grin. "Now. Tell me what you have that made you so happy."

He looks at the book in his hands and smiles again. "Just a birthday present from Hiro-nii," he replies. "It's a book of kifu that I wanted."

"Kifu?" another voice asks, and Ashiwara turns around.

"Good morning, Ryuuzaki-chan," he greets the girl.

"I told you to call me An," she chastises. "What's kifu?"

Hiroyuki smiles and explains the term to them as they walk to their classroom. Neither of his friends say anything, and he wonders briefly if he has bored them. Neither play go or have any interest in it, as far as he knows. 

"I apologize if I bored you," he says quietly, looking at the book again. "Hiro-nii says that I get too enthusiastic over go and ignore the people around me."

"It's fine, Ashiwara-kun," An says cheerfully. "When you talk about go, you seem really energetic! Oh!" She pauses and rummages through her bag. "This is for you. It's your birthday today, isn't it?"

He takes the wrapped package and smiles. "Thank you, An-chan."

"Open it!" she says, pointing to the present. "I want to see if you like it."

It takes less than a minute to unwrap the gift. In his hands is a frame with a picture of the three of them inside. The frame has go stones glued around the edges- black, white, black, white. "Thank you," he says after a moment. 

An fidgets beside him. "Do you like it? I made the frame myself. I bought the stones at a pet store. I didn't know where to buy real go stones, so I used the ones that you put at the bottom of a fish tank."

He smiles at her. "I love it. Thank you, An-chan."

"I'm glad," she says.

"When was this picture taken, An?" Tashiro asks, leaning over Hiroyuki's shoulder. "I don't remember it."

An sticks her tongue out at him. "I had a friend take it for me a few weeks ago."

"Ah," Tashiro says, wrapping an arm around Hiroyuki's shoulders. "Anyway, what are you doing after club activities today, Ashiwara? I was thinking we could go see a movie. I'll pay, of course."

"I'm sure he has better things to do than go out with you, Tashiro," An snorts. "Besides, I wanted him to get something to eat with me after activities." She turns wide eyes on him. "Won't you go with me, Ashiwara-kun?" 

He looks between his two friends, once again caught in the middle. He smiles apologetically and is silently glad that his family is taking him out tonight. "I'm afraid I can't go with either of you," he says, making sure his voice has enough regret in it to make it believable. "My family is taking me out to dinner for my birthday." 

"Oh," An replies after a moment, looking down.

"Another time, then," Tashiro says with a smile. "How about Saturday?"

"Tashiro! Please stop hitting on Ashiwara-kun!" she hisses. "He doesn't like you. And get your hand off of him! It's inappropriate."

"Not as inappropriate as your constant doting and touching," Hiroyuki hears Tashiro mumble under his breath. "I'm not flirting with Ashiwara," he says so An will hear, and Hiroyuki rolls his eyes.

An scowls at Tashiro, and Tashiro grins back. Hiroyuki ducks from under Tashiro's arm and walks ahead of them to give them some privacy. He enters the classroom and smiles, pretending that he doesn't hear his two friends arguing behind him. 

 

**.//standing on the edge of fate.1994**

Leaves are dancing in the air when he meets Saeki Kouji. The other boy is standing outside of the Go Institute, staring up at the sign. Hiroyuki stops beside him and smiles.

"Hi!" Hiroyuki greets. "Can I help you with something?"

The other boy turns to look at him. His cheeks are pink from the bite in the wind, and his eyes are bright with excitement. "No, thank you," he replies politely. "I was just headed inside."

"Really?" Hiroyuki asks. "So was I! Let's go in together!" He grabs the other boy's hand and pulls him inside. "Are you here for the insei test?"

"Yes," the boy says, pulling his hand out of Hiroyuki's grasp. "I am Saeki Kouji. Pleased to meet you."

He beams at Saeki. "Nice to meet you, Saeki-kun! I'm Ashiwara Hiroyuki. I'm an insei."

"Really?" Saeki blinks.

"Yup," he replies. "I've been an insei for two years." He looks at his watch. "I'll be late for my match if I don't hurry. Come on," he says, motioning for Saeki to follow him. "I'll take you up and introduce you to some of the others before your test. It will help calm you down." 

"I'm not nervous, Ashiwara-senpai," Saeki denies, but follows him anyway.

Hiroyuki frowns. "Don't call me senpai. It makes me feel old, and you look like you're the same age as me. It's weird," he says, linking his arm through Saeki's.

"But you are my senpai," Saeki protests. "And shouldn't I wait down here for the examiner?"

He grins. "I think Kuwabara-sensei is the examiner this year," he says. "He's probably up in the game room, taunting Ogata-san. He likes to tease Ogata-san, you see." He pulls Saeki into the elevator and presses the floor number. The doors shut with a soft hiss before the elevator begins to move. "So, how old are you Saeki-kun?" 

"Twelve," Saeki replies, untangling himself from Hiroyuki.

"Really? Wow. I'm a year older than you!" he exclaims cheerfully. "I'm thirteen," he adds, though he's sure that Saeki would have been able to figure it out on his own.

The elevator jerks to a stop and a small chime signals their stop. Hiroyuki grabs Saeki's wrist and drags him into the foyer. He kicks off his shoes and waits patiently as Saeki does the same before pulling the other boy into the game room. 

"This," Hiroyuki says quietly, "is where we play. If you pass, this is where you'll play, too. That," he says pointing to a corner of the room where a boy with glasses sits scowling, "is Ogata-san. He almost made it pro last year, but lost at the last minute. Kuwabara-sensei is the one talking to him." 

Saeki looks at him with a frown. "Why is Kuwabara-Honinbo talking to him? And why is he holding the tests?"

"Kuwabara-sensei is doing it because Touya-sensei can't. He's filling in. And Ogata-san is Kuwabara-sensei's favorite to pick on."

"Ashiwara," Ogata looks up and scowls. "Come here."

Hiroyuki smiles at Saeki and pulls him over to Ogata and Kuwabara. "Yes, Ogata-san?"

"Stop talking about me," Ogata drones. "I could hear you from over here."

"Ho ho ho," Kuwabara laughs. "What's wrong, Ogata-kun?" he taunts. "I thought you were just telling me that your name will be on everyone's lips when you become pro?"

"I'll take that title from you, too, old man," Ogata sneers.

Saeki is looking between the two, and Hiroyuki sighs. "They're always like this," he informs his new friend. "Kuwabara-sensei, this is Saeki-kun. He's here to take the insei test."

"Really?" Kuwabara says, raising an eyebrow to look at Saeki. Hiroyuki squeezes Saeki's hand and nods. "Well, well, well. We'll start now. Follow me, Saeki-kun."

He smiles when Saeki looks at him and lets go of his hand. "Aren't we supposed to play today, Ogata-san?" he asks. 

"Yes," Ogata replies and stands, moving away from Kuwabara quickly. 

They take their places before the goban in the back of the room. People are trickling into the room, conversation bubbling around them. He feels eyes on him and he looks up from the goban to find Ogata staring at him. 

"How long have you known Saeki?" Ogata asks, and he winces because Ogata's speech is like Ogata's go- straightforward and cutting and to the point, leaving no room for opportunity or defense.

"I met him outside," he replies cheerfully, smiling widely and hoping that it reaches his eyes. "He's very nice."

Ogata raises an eyebrow. "Nice enough to hold hands with in front of everyone?" Ogata rejoins skeptically.

"I didn't see anything wrong with it," Hiroyuki says, tracing the grooves on the surface of the goban with his finger. "And Saeki-kun didn't tell me not to."

"Did it not occur to you that randomly attaching yourself to strangers is frowned upon in polite society?" Ogata asks, rolling his eyes.

Hiroyuki shrugs off the question. "Saeki-kun seems really nice, and his hand was really warm."

"You always did have a hand fixation," Ogata chuckles.

"I do not!" he protests, pouting. 

Ogata raises an eyebrow and smirks. "Is that so, Ashiwara?"

Hiroyuki nods vigorously. "It is."

"So then you haven't been fixating on my hands for the past year?" 

His face heats up and his eyes widen. "You must be confusing me with Kuwabara-sensei," he replies, staring at the gleaming surface of the goban. "And are you going to nigiri, Ogata-san?"

Ogata shakes his head in amusement and they begin their game.

 

**.//standing on the edge of regret.1996**

Tashiro is waiting for him outside his class at after the last bell signals the end of the school day. "You have that insei thing today, Ashiwara?" he asks, and Hiroyuki blinks.

"Yes, we have practice games today," he replies, readjusting the grip on his bag. "Is there something you wanted?"

His friend sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "No," Tashiro sighs, shrugging his shoulders. "We just haven't had much of a chance to hang out since school started."

Hiroyuki smiles apologetically. "I really am sorry, Tashiro-kun. Is Ryuuzaki-chan busy?"

"An has some stupid archery thing after school."

"You should go watch," he says encouragingly.

Tashiro smiles, and Hiroyuki thinks it looks a little sad. "Nah," Tashiro replies. "I don't want to see An shoot an arrow. She'll win; neither of us have to watch until Nationals. That's when it matters, at least to her. Besides," he adds, "I wanted to spend time with you." 

He doesn't have anything to say in reply, so he remains quiet. They are walking through the hall together, stopping to retrieve their shoes and store their indoor slippers for the night. The air outside is warm and Hiroyuki lifts his face to the sky, allowing the sun to shine directly on his cheeks. 

"Can I walk you to the Institute?" Tashiro asks quietly.

Hiroyuki turns to look at his friend. Tashiro has gotten taller, he notices suddenly. They are in their final year of middle school, and Hiroyuki realizes that he is just now noticing the changes that have happened gradually around them. He wonders how he looks to Tashiro now, because when he looks in a mirror, he still sees the same boy he was on his first day of middle school. 

"Of course, Tashiro-kun," he replies, equally as quietly, and he knows that there is something different about this. There is no Ryuuzaki to distract them, to fill the silence with the static of words that have no place between them. There is an underlying tension, and Hiroyuki knows what it is. He feels it whenever he sees Saeki at the Institute, or whenever Ogata and Kuwabara are in the same room. The tension is strung between them, and now that he has acknowledged it, it will not disappear. 

Tashiro is walking too close to him, and their hands are bumping together. He shifts, putting a little distance between them, and he feels the line of tension tighten.

He is at a loss, because he knows what is going to happen, and he knows that the situation will not end well unless he can diffuse it, but there is no way to do so without hurting Tashiro.

They reach the Institute quickly. Tashiro stands next to him, staring at him with serious eyes.

"Thank you for walking with me, Tashiro-kun," Ashiwara says, forcing all of the cheer he can into his voice. "You're such a good friend."

He watches as Tashiro winces slightly at the word. "Anytime, Ashiwara," Tashiro replies, a strained smile stretched across his face. "After all, we're friends."

The way Tashiro says 'friend' makes his eyes burn. "See you tomorrow, Tashiro-kun!" he says enthusiastically before turning and running into the Institute. He runs past Ogata, who is wearing his white suit and talking to Kuwabara at the gift shop, past Touya, who is walking down the hall, past Morishita, who is following after Touya with a herd of reporters behind him. A part of his mind recalls that Touya and Morishita had a game today, but that part of his mind is quickly forgotten. 

He enters the bathroom and locks the door. The mirror is in front of him now, and he looks at his reflection. Tashiro's face stares back- Tashiro, who has grown and changed and looks at him with considering eyes. Tashiro, who wants more than the friendship that Hiroyuki can offer him. He sees Tashiro's eyes reflected in the mirror, and he sees the hurt, the disappointment, the resignation that they held only moments before. Suddenly, Tashiro's face blurs, and when he blinks his eyes, trying to focus them, he sees himself. 

Tears are snaking their way down his cheeks, and his own eyes are too bright with emotion and the reflection of the light. His skin is blotchy, and his eyes are swollen. He looks at the gleaming porcelain of the sink. 

Will things change? Will they stay the same? There is no way to know, he thinks, except that he does know because nothing has changed aside from the fact that he knows now where he didn't before. It all comes down to him, he realizes, and he doesn't want things to change. 

"How do I look at Tashiro-kun now?" he asks quietly, hearing his voice bounce off the tile and echo around him.

"Ashiwara-san?" a voice calls from outside. Hiroyuki starts, quickly rubbing his eyes.

"Yes?" he calls back, hoping his voice is steadier than it feels.

There is a pause before the voice responds. "Are you alright, Ashiwara-san? Morishita-sensei said he saw you come in here, and that you were…"

The voice trails off, and it takes Hiroyuki a moment to realize that he hasn't been able to place the voice until now. "I'm fine, Saeki-kun. I just had something in my eye."

Another pause, before Saeki says, "If there's something wrong, you can tell me, you know."

He smiles and unlocks the door, opening it to find Saeki staring at the ground, little spots of color on his cheeks. Saeki, who is not Tashiro and doesn't look at him with eyes that size him up, only ever looks at him from across a goban with eyes narrowed to slits, lit by determination. 

"Really," Hiroyuki repeats. "I'm fine. Thank you for worrying, Saeki-kun." He leans forward and places a clumsy kiss on Saeki's cheek before taking off down the hall, Saeki at his heels.

The elevator is in front of him when he finally stops and allows Saeki to catch up. 

"Why did you do that?" Saeki asks after a moment.

"Do what?" Hiroyuki replies easily.

"You know what, Ashiwara-san," the other boy says irritably. 

"I really don't," he rejoins, smiling at Saeki. "Why did I do what, Saeki-kun?"

"Whydidyoukissme?"

"I'm sorry?" Hiroyuki responds. "I didn't understand you."

"Why," Saeki repeats quietly, "did you kiss me?"

Hiroyuki looks at the elevator doors silently for a moment before saying, "I don't know."

He doesn't think Saeki believes him, but he is fine with that.

 

**.//standing on the edge of broken illusions.1997**

Akazawa approaches them with a smile. "Hey, Ashiwara-san, Saeki-san. Are you busy this Saturday?"

Saeki looks at him and shrugs. Hiroyuki smiles back and shakes his head. 

Akazawa grins. "Then you two should come to my house. My parents are out of town, and they said I could invite a few friends over."

"You mean you're having a party," Saeki says, giving the other boy a half-smile. "I'm in. How about you, Ashiwara-san?"

Hiroyuki smiles and rests his elbow on Saeki's shoulder. He feels Saeki move closer to accommodate him. "Sure."

They listen for a moment as Akazawa gives them the address and directions before they go their separate ways.

"Do you think we're supposed to bring dates to this thing?" Saeki asks as they wait for the train. "I mean, Akazawa is our age, but he was talking to Fumiko, and Fumiko was telling Saki that they were going together." 

"I'll be your date, Saeki-kun," he jokes, except that he's not really joking. He watches Saeki's face for any sign that he'd be open to the idea, but his friend's face reveals nothing.

"I bet you would," Saeki teases back, poking him in the ribs. "But what would our mothers say?"

Hiroyuki bites back his response, instead smiling weakly. "I'm sure it won't be a problem if we go dateless," he says instead.

Saeki nods. "Probably not," he acknowledges. "Anyway, did you want to get something to eat before heading home? I wanted to ask you about a question I have about my English homework."

"Of course not," he replies happily. "I'm happy to help anytime you need me, Saeki-kun."

Saeki smiles back at him and leads him to a small café, telling him that it shouldn't take too long and they can catch the next train. Ashiwara doesn't say anything, silently following Saeki into the café. They seat themselves at a small table tucked away in the corner. Saeki goes up to the counter to order them tea and sandwiches, and Hiroyuki takes the time to look at the pages of homework that Saeki is having trouble with. 

When the other boy returns with their food, he has already figured out the problem with Saeki's sentences. He smiles thankfully at Saeki as he takes a sip of tea and places it gingerly back in the saucer. "Here," he says, pointing to the first sentence on the page, "you conjugated the verb wrong. It should be 'ran,' not 'run,' in this sentence, and reversed in the next one." 

Saeki leans forward to see what he's pointing at, and he can smell soap off of the boy's body. His face flushes and he leans back into his chair and takes another sip of tea.

"That's what I did wrong," Saeki mumbles, and runs his hand through his hair. Hiroyuki watches in fascination as Saeki's hair sifts though his tan fingers in stark contrast. "How about here?"

He shakes his head and blinks, momentarily confused but quickly regaining his bearings as soon as he sees where Saeki is pointing. "That should be the present tense of the verb, not the past," he explains.

"You're really good at this," Saeki says, erasing the word and penciling in the correct one.

"Hiro-nii speaks English really well," he says. "He tutors me from time to time when he's not busy with work."

There is a flash of pink at the corner of Saeki's mouth, and Hiroyuki looks down at the table. He shouldn't be staring, even if Saeki is concentrating and not paying attention to him.

"I suck at English," Saeki confides, erasing another word. "I don't get it at all. But my parents will only pay for the pro exam if I continue to receive high marks."

"Really? Jii-chan plays and pays for everything. He says it's my birthday present every year."

Saeki looks up from his homework. "Are you serious? You don't have to do anything?"

"I have to do my chores, and I get high marks, but mostly because it's all easy for me," he admits sheepishly. "If I need help, then I have Hiro-nii and 'tou-san."

"Lucky," Saeki says, shaking his head. "What about high school and college?"

"What about them?" he asks, and laughs at Saeki's incredulous expression. "My parents want me to go, so I will. After all, they've taken care of me my whole life, and there's no guarantee that I'll ever pass the pro exam. This year will make it the fourth time I've taken it. Ogata-san keeps saying that I'll never pass if I keep losing." 

"He's right," Saeki agrees. "You're the top of the insei class, Ashiwara-san. I don't see why you haven't passed yet."

He doesn't say that he feels bad for the exam participants who are older, nor does he tell Saeki that he loses more games in the exam on purpose than he loses due to actual talent. Saeki doesn't believe in throwing games, nor does he believe in feeling sorry for players weaker than him. Instead, he shrugs and takes another sip of his tea. 

"So, about Akazawa's party," Saeki starts. "Did you want to meet up and go together?"

Saeki's face is red, and he's studiously avoiding looking him in the eye. Hiroyuki smiles into his cup. "Sure, Saeki-kun. After all, I'd get hopelessly lost without you."

"I'm supposed to depend on you, senpai," Saeki retorts with a smile.

"I told you not to call me that," Hiroyuki protests, pouting. "It makes me feel old."

"And Ashiwara-san doesn't?" Saeki asks, rolling his eyes. "You have some skewed logic."

"I wanted you to call me Ashiwara, but you said that it was too informal," he huffs, sticking his tongue out. 

"Because it is!" the other boy maintains. "Besides, you still call me Saeki-kun."

"I could call you Saeki," he chirps, placing his cup back onto the table. "And you could call me Ashiwara."

Saeki shakes his head and goes back to the paper. "So, what time do you want to meet up?"

"Akazawa-kun said to get there around eight, so can we meet up at six-thirty? I wanted to play a game with you."

"Sure, but you always win," Saeki complains good-naturedly, gathering his homework and putting it back in his bag. "Want me to walk you home, Ashiwara-san?"

It's his turn to roll his eyes. "I should be asking you that, Saeki-kun."

"I can take care of myself," the other boy retorts, cheeks reddening. 

"I know," he replies lightly. "I can, too. So, I'll see you Saturday?"

"Yup. Six-thirty. Touya-sensei's salon?"

He nods and walks with Saeki to the train station. Hiroyuki's train is just pulling into the station as they step onto the platform, and he calls a hurried goodbye to Saeki as he runs to the door, sliding in before it has a chance to shut. 

\--

The rest of the week passes by quickly, and he is thankful. He's not seen Saeki since the beginning of the week, though they've talked on the phone a few times. It's Saturday evening, and he rushes down the stairs, bumping into Hiroshi. 

"Slow down, Yuki-chan," Hiroshi says, wrapping an arm around Hiroyuki's shoulders. "You look like you're in a hurry. Have a date?"

Blood rushes to his cheeks, and he shakes his head vehemently. After all, he and Saeki have agreed to go together, but they aren't going together. There is a difference.

"You sure, little brother? You look awfully dressed up to just go out."

"Yuki-nii is going to a party, aren't you Yuki-nii?" Sunako says loudly, tugging on Hiroshi's arm. "He has to go meet his friend, and you're going to make him late."

"Sunako-chan," Hiroyuki says weakly. It wasn't like it's was a secret- after all, he'd had to ask his parents for permission to go- but he hasn't told Hiroshi because he knows that his brother won't let the opportunity pass to tease him. 

"A party?" Hiroshi asks. "You? Aw. Little Yuki-chan is growing up! So, who is this friend you're rushing off to meet?"

He sighs in defeat. "I'm going to meet Saeki-kun. We're going to play a game before going to the party."

Hiroshi smirks. "Together?"

The blush on his cheeks intensifies. "It's not like that, Hiro-nii!" he whispers harshly. "He's a friend."

His brother nods his head sagely. "I got it. A friend. Right."

Shaking his head, he pushes passed his brother and heads to the door. "I'm going," he calls out, toeing on his shoes.

"Wait, Hiroyuki," his brother says. "I'll drive you. You're going to that salon you usually go to, right?" Hiroshi is already grabbing his keys and slipping into his shoes.

"What are you up to, Hiro-nii?" he asks suspiciously. The last time Hiroshi offered to drive him somewhere, it was because he'd heard about Tashiro.

"I'm hurt, Yuki-chan," he replies, hands over his heart. "I just want to do something nice for my baby brother, and you look at me as though I've an ulterior motive."

"Because you usually do," he mumbles, opening the car door and getting in.

"True," Hiroshi agrees. "Anyway, I'm supposed to meet with Elizabeth, that exchange student I was telling you about? And I want to meet your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend, Hiro-nii!"

"But you like him, right?" his brother asks quietly. "It's okay, you know. As much time as you guys spend together, he'd have to be in some serious denial not to like you, too."

Hiroyuki stares at the dashboard. "He doesn't," he admits. "We're just friends."

"And how do you know this?" Hiroshi presses. "Have you asked him?"

He bites his lip. "No," he answers reluctantly. "But I know he doesn't."

"You think you know," Hiroshi sighs. "Anyway, I just want to see what the brat looks like. See if he's good enough for my favorite brother."

"I'm your only brother, Hiro-nii."

"No you're not. Did you forget Sunako?"

"Sunako-chan is a girl!"

"Details," Hiroshi replies, shrugging it off. "Here we are. Is that him?"

Hiroyuki looks out the window to see Saeki standing in front of the building. He isn't dressed in anything special, but Hiroyuki feels his heart skip a beat.

"He's cute," Hiroshi observes loudly. "If you're into that type, anyway. Though he doesn't look like he'd be able to protect you if some bully started picking on you."

"I can take care of myself, Hiro-nii," he says, fumbling with his seat belt and the door handle. He dashes out of the car, waving to Saeki. "Thanks for the ride!" he calls back.

"You're late, Ashiwara-san," Saeki says, smiling.

Hiroyuki smiles back. "Sorry. Hiro-nii was teasing me and made me lose track of time."

Saeki bumps his shoulder against Hiroyuki's. "I'm just teasing."

He brushes his shoulder back against Saeki's and Hiroshi's words echo in his ears. "I know," he replies. "Whose turn is it to pay?"

"Yours," Saeki says. "I won last time, remember?"

The door opens and Ogata steps out, lighting a cigarette. "Ashiwara," he says once he notices him. "And you," he adds, seeing Saeki. "There's a new girl at the counter. Touya-sensei just hired her. Try not to give her a hard time." 

"I bet you teased her already, Ogata-san," he says cheerfully. "And Saeki-kun and I never give anyone a hard time."

Ogata rolls his eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow at Touya-sensei's."

They watch as Ogata walks away, smoke from his cigarette drifting behind him. Hiroyuki shrugs and opens the door for Saeki, who rolls his eyes and enters the salon.

"Welcome to the Touya Go Salon," the girl at the counter chirps cheerfully. "It's five-hundred yen for children."

He smiles at her and hands her the fee before grabbing Saeki's hand and guiding him to an empty goban. A few of the regulars call out greetings, which he returns. They take their seats and he opens the go ke to find the white stones. 

"I'll take black," he says, reaching across the table for the go ke near Saeki's hand. Saeki nods and takes the white stones.

The first stone is placed, and he loses himself in the patterns and shapes and battles on the board. Everything around him is unimportant as he places stone after stone after stone, fighting for territory in the lower left corner or defending the upper right. 

They are in the beginning moves of end game when Saeki resigns. Hiroyuki looks at the board, trying to see if there was any way for Saeki to come back, but he can see each move that could have been placed and every counter he would have made. 

"Thank you for the game," he says. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Saeki looks at his watch. "No, we can talk about it Wednesday after the matches. We'll be late to Akazawa's if we don't hurry."

"Okay," he agrees easily as they walk passed the new girl at the counter. He stops and turns to her. "Thank you for letting us play!"

She smiles. "No problem. Make sure to come again soon."

Saeki is smirking beside him. "We will, ma'am. After all, I come here all the time with Ogata-san."

"Ogata-san?" she repeats, and Hiroyuki notices that her left eye is twitching. "You know that letch? And my name is Ichikawa Harumi. I'm not old enough for you to refer to me as ma'am."

"Of course," he replies brightly. "Ogata-san and I are both in Touya-sensei's study group."

"So you're a pro?" she asks, leaning on the counter. "You're kind of young."

Hiroyuki flushes. "No, we're insei. But we're taking the pro exam this year."

"Really? Well, I hope you both do well," Ichikawa says.

"Thank you, Ichikawa-san," he says with a bow. "We have to go now. See you next time!"

Saeki nods and leads him outside. "You're always so nice to everyone," he complains. "How do you do it?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I just like making friends."

"Yeah, but we're going to be late because you wanted to make friends with her," Saeki grumbles, and Hiroyuki wonders if he's done something wrong.

He grabs Saeki's hand and starts walking. "Don't worry, Saeki-kun, I still like you best." He's blushing and looking at the ground as he says this, so he doesn't see how Saeki reacts. He's not sure if he wants to, either. 

The rest of the walk is quiet, neither of them saying anything, but Saeki's hand is still in his. He smiles and starts swinging their linked hands. Saeki is watching him with an amused expression, and he just grins back. 

"I think this is it," Saeki says a moment later, removing his hand from Hiroyuki's grasp.

They walk up to the door, and Hiroyuki knocks.

"Hey! Glad you guys could make it. Come in," Akazawa says once the door is open. "There's juice and soda in the fridge, and beer in the cooler," he informs them before darting off into the crowd.

There aren't that many people, but more than he had expected. He looks around and recognizes only a few people from the Go Institute. Akazawa must have invited some of his year mates, he thinks.

"Did you want something to drink, Ashiwara-san?" Saeki asks, scratching his head. "I'm kind of thirsty."

"Juice would be nice," he replies with a smile. "Thank you."

"No problem," Saeki says, heading off to find the kitchen.

Hiroyuki stands against the wall, watching the people mill about the room, entering one way only to exit through another moments later. He sees Akazawa flitting between groups, laughing loudly and listing to the side. Maybe he's had too much to drink, he thinks, and is pushing himself away from the wall to find out when Saeki comes back. 

"Here you go, Ashiwara-san," Saeki says, handing him a cup.

He takes a sip and nearly gags. "What is this?"

Saeki sips his drink and winces. "I think they spiked the juice," he responds, scowling at his drink before taking another sip.

"Oh," Hiroyuki says, looking at his cup. Tentatively, he takes another sip. "How do people drink alcohol, Saeki-kun? It's disgusting."

The other boy shrugs, finishing off his drink. "If you drink it quick, you hardly taste it," Saeki advises.

He looks skeptically at the juice before putting the cup to his lips and drinking half of it. He wrinkles his nose at the taste, but it's not as bad as the tiny sips he has been taking. He downs the last of the juice and puts his cup in a nearby wastebasket, settling against the wall next to Saeki. 

"I don't see how Ogata-san can drink that," Hiroyuki says aloud.

"Ogata-sensei is probably used to the taste," Saeki replies, moving a little bit closer to him. "Anyway, do you think it's going to be like this all night? I thought that, since it was Akazawa, we'd be able to play a few games." 

"I don't know," he answers. Saeki's side is pressed up against him, and he can feel the heat coming from the other boy's body. His body feels warm, and he wonders if it's because Saeki is so close, or because of the alcohol. He looks at Saeki from the corner of his eye, noticing Saeki's face is flushed and his eyes are closed, and thinks that it must be the alcohol. Saeki never looks this way, regardless of how close they get. 

"It's getting warm in here," Saeki says after a while. "Want to go outside with me?"

Hiroyuki nods and follows Saeki through the crowd. They exit through a door in the kitchen and step into the backyard. Saeki sits down on the porch, and he sits down next to him.

Neither of them say anything, choosing to look at the scenery and the stars. Hiroyuki feels drowsy after a while, and puts his head on Saeki's shoulder. Saeki doesn't say anything as he scoots closer.

Hiroshi's words are repeating in his head again, and he can't help but wonder if maybe his brother is right. Maybe Saeki does like him, because he's never seen two boys act this way with each other, regardless of how close they are. Tashiro comes to mind, but he remembers always pulling away from his friend's casual touches, never moving closer than is appropriate. There is no personal space between him and Saeki. 

"Saeki-kun?" he says quietly.

"Hm?"

"I like you."

He feels Saeki stiffen for a moment. "I like you, too, Ashiwara-san. You're a good friend," Saeki says after a moment.

His breath catches in his chest and he remembers Tashiro. Remembers Tashiro confessing, and remembers himself telling the other boy that he's a good friend, but he can't see him as more. He thinks that maybe his eyes look like Tashiro's did then. 

"Are you okay, Ashiwara-san?"

Hiroyuki looks up and sees Saeki looking at him, and despite knowing now where they stand, he still wonders what it would be like to kiss him. Saeki is frowning, and he reaches up to run his finger over the creases in Saeki's forehead. Saeki rolls his eyes and smiles, and Hiroyuki leans up and kisses him. 

Saeki's lips are chapped, he notices as Saeki opens them in surprise. He takes the opportunity to taste the other boy, and Saeki tastes like alcohol.

He's pushed away suddenly, and Saeki is standing, running the back of his hand over his mouth. A part of him knows that this is probably it, that after that kiss, Saeki will probably never talk to him again, but he isn't able to muster up anything past the memory of Saeki's lips. 

"Why?" Saeki chokes out. "What the hell were you thinking, Ashiwara-san?"

Hiroyuki looks at him. Saeki looks scared, and he wants to go to him, to tell him it's okay, but he's fairly certain that the thing Saeki is scared of is him. So he sits there, and stares, and says nothing, because he will not apologize, not for kissing him, even if he will apologize for ruining their friendship. 

Saeki is running a hand through his hair, keeping his eye on Hiroyuki. "Fine. Don't say anything."

"I like you," he says again, quietly, staring at the ground.

"Yeah, well I don't like you," Saeki hisses. "Not like that." With that, Saeki turns around and leaves.

As he watches Saeki disappear, he remembers the game they played earlier, and how they were going to discuss it the next time they met. He smiles sadly and stands.

\--

When he gets home, Hiroshi is sitting in the living room, watching television. He stops in the doorway and waits for his brother to notice him.

"Oh, when did you get him, Yuki? How was the party?" Hiroshi turns off the television and stands, stretching. "Did you have fun?" His brother looks at him for a moment before moving to stand in front of him. "What's wrong?" 

"You were wrong," he whispers, and suddenly Hiroshi's arms are around him and Hiroyuki begins to cry.

 

**.//standing on the edge of desperation.1999**

There is only one game left, one opponent, and he does not want to play. He's tired, too tired to deal with this, to face him. He's already passed, and he considers just not showing up. Forfeiting this last game wouldn't hurt his record- a pass with one loss is nothing to be ashamed of, and his family will be happy for him either way. 

He stares at the door for a moment before deciding. He turns around, intent on leaving, and runs into Saeki.

Hiroyuki stumbles backwards, tripping on the uneven cement and falling to the ground. Saeki is standing above him, staring at him with unreadable eyes as he offers him a hand up. He stares at the hand, not sure whether to take it or what it means, even though he is sure that it means nothing, because he means nothing to Saeki. 

Tears are pricking at his eyes as he scrambles to his feet, ignoring Saeki's hand. "I'm sorry," he chokes out, though he's not sure whether he's apologizing for bumping into him or for everything, and he doesn't care. He only wants to be out of there, away from Saeki. He walks past Saeki, heading towards the street. 

"Where are you going?" Saeki calls, and he freezes.

"I don't feel well," Hiroyuki replies, not turning around. "I'm going home."

He hears footsteps behind him, but he still doesn't turn. "And what about our game?" Saeki's voice is directly behind him now, and Hiroyuki digs his nails into his palms to keep from running away.

There is silence for a moment, and he knows that Saeki is still standing there, staring at him, waiting for an answer that he doesn't want to give.

"I forfeit," he says quietly, and he hopes Saeki hears him, because he doesn't want to repeat it any more than he wants to be standing there.

"No," Saeki's voice is just as quiet, but there is steel around that one word, and Hiroyuki closes his eyes tightly. "You are not forfeiting. You are going to go in there, and you are going to play me, damn it."

He whirls around to face him, and the words he was going to say die in his throat. Saeki is glaring at him with narrowed eyes, and it's too much. He can't do this now, not ever, and he wants to leave and he doesn't. He wants to stay there, to keep Saeki's eyes on him and him alone, but he knows that he can't have that, can never have that, and it hurts because it's too soon. 

"I can't," Hiroyuki replies, because it's the truth.

"The hell you can't," Saeki snarls, reaching forward and grabbing his arm. "You are going to play me."

Hiroyuki jerks away from Saeki's touch. "Don't," he warns. "Don't touch me."

"Is there a problem, Ashiwara?" a smooth voice cuts in.

He turns away from Saeki to face Ogata, who is standing there with a scowl on his face. Hiroyuki is sure that he's about to be lectured for making a scene and embarrassing Touya Kouyo's group, but Ogata is looking at Saeki, not him. "No, Ogata-san. I was just telling Saeki-kun that I wasn't feeling well, so I was going to forfeit." 

Ogata raises his eyebrows and stares at him. "Is this some sudden illness, Ashiwara? Because you were fine at breakfast."

He feels his cheeks flush and stares at the ground. "Yes."

"You do realize that if you forfeit, Touya-sensei will be disappointed. Every member of his group has passed undefeated," Ogata says conversationally, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. He puts the cigarette to his lips and takes a drag, holding the smoke in his mouth a moment before lazily blowing it out. "Akira will be disappointed in you, as well. You know how that kid is. He may not want to play with you anymore." 

He looks up to see Ogata smirking smugly. "Akira-kun isn't like that, Ogata-san."

Saeki is tapping his foot impatiently behind him, and Hiroyuki looks pleadingly at Ogata, who continues to smoke his cigarette. The smoke is circling around him, clinging to his clothes and snaking through his mouth. He coughs, putting a hand over his mouth to keep from inhaling the fumes. 

"You'll be late if you don't hurry," Ogata says casually, letting the ash from the cigarette float in the wind.

He says nothing, only bows and turns around. Saeki is staring at him with an expression he can't read, and he stalks passed him, making his way into the building. He hears Saeki's footsteps behind him, and he scowls.

They reach the examination room just as the proctor announces that it is time to start. He reaches for the black stones on reflex, but is stopped when Saeki's hand touches his. He pulls his hand back quickly and grabs for the white stones instead. There is no need to nigiri, and Saeki places the first stone. 

They reach mid-game quickly enough, and he is losing. He cannot concentrate on the game, and the thought of letting Saeki win makes him queasy. They have both already passed, this is all just for show, may as well let the other boy pass with only one loss, rather than two. Thoughts are swirling through his mind, and he cannot grasp them long enough to make any real sense of them. He only knows that he wants to leave, and there is only way of doing that short of playing the game to the end. 

"I-" he starts, but Saeki is glaring at him, and he drawn into that gaze. Saeki's eyes are sparkling in determination, frustration, anger. He swallows the last word and instead places his stone.

He looks at the game spread across the board, sees every move that he's made, and every response that Saeki has given. He sees everything that has led to this, and he thinks that maybe he can see where this will lead, but he isn't sure. He isn't confident that he is reading things correctly, but as Saeki plays a keima, he immediately responds with a hane. 

The proctor's voice cuts through the silence, announcing lunch, and Ashiwara stands and leaves the room. He isn't hungry and his head is full of half-formed thoughts. He is in front of the building when he hears his voice being called. 

He closes his eyes and smiles sadly at the ground. "Yes, Saeki-kun?"

"Why?" Saeki's voice is rough, and Hiroyuki thinks that if he turns around, he'll see that the other boy's cheeks are flushed and his eyes bright with unshed tears. But he knows that that can't be true; Saeki wouldn't cry over this, he's too strong, too proud. 

"Why what, Saeki-kun?" He is suddenly remembering their conversation in front of the elevators years ago, and he takes a shaky breath before turning around, smile bright on his face.

Saeki's hands are balled into fists at his side, and there is a tremor in his body. "You're losing on purpose and I want to know why."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he replies lightly, even though he knows it's not the truth.

"Damn it, Ashiwara-san! You know what I'm talking about! You aren't this weak of a player! I've seen your games, I've played you, and you've never played as recklessly and passively as you have today," Saeki growls. "I don't want this win. I don't want you to hand this to me just because of some stupid mistake that you made a year ago." 

Hiroyuki freezes, smile slipping from his lips. Something in his chest hardens and he thinks he's going to cry, but instead calm surges through his body. He vaguely remembers this feeling from years ago, this desire to just let go, but he fought it then. He embraces the feeling, letting the calm ease away the tension in his shoulders and chest. 

"I apologize for my mistake, Saeki-kun," he says cheerfully, smile back in place. He nods his head and walks away, determined to turn the game around in the time that they have left.

He knows how to win. He knows where to place the stones, knows how to counter each of Saeki's moves so that there is nowhere for him to go. He tears apart the formations on the board, rips into black's territory and makes it his own. Saeki is looking at him with a scowl, but there is appreciation and determination in his eyes, as well. 

He watches Saeki study the board, watches as Saeki realizes that there is nowhere left to play that he will not tear apart in the end. He watches Saeki take a deep breath, and he watches as Saeki resigns. 

The game is cleared away, the stones returned to their proper go ke, and Saeki is gone.

 

**.//standing on the edge of darkness.2000**

His relationship with Ogata is unconventional, and the few people who know about it regard it as a result of his naiveté. Tashiro and Ryuuzaki are among the top protesters of their liaisons, claiming that Ogata isn't right for him, but he just smiles and nods because he knows the older pro isn't the right choice, isn't the one he wants, even, but that doesn't stop either of them from continuing this charade. 

He's not sure if he regrets getting involved with the other man, but Ogata is as close a friend as Tashiro, and the risk of hurting Ogata happens to be significantly less than it would be with Tashiro. To Ogata, this was a bit of fun, something to indulge in when he lacks a warm body in his bed. To Hiroyuki, it's distraction. 

Ogata's hand is on his shoulder now, thumb lazily tracing circles on the fabric of his suit jacket, and he can feel Saeki's eyes on him from across the room. He hears Ogata say something to Touya-sensei, who has just taken the Meijin title, and he laughs too loudly. Ogata is looking at him, a frown on his face, and Hiroyuki excuses himself. 

He walks past Saeki, who is standing with Morishita, and out the door. The cool air hits his face, stinging his cheeks, and he takes a deep breath. He knows Ogata will make their excuses, probably something in regards to the alcohol, and come to find him soon enough. He also knows that they will end up at Ogata's apartment, in Ogata's bed, and he can't bring himself to dredge up any emotion over it. 

It takes Ogata longer to find him than he'd thought it would, but it's not long before there is a hand on the small of his back, leading him to the car. Ogata is scowling, and Hiroyuki notices a wet patch on the front of other man's immaculate white suit. Hiroyuki scowls, but doesn't ask. 

The ride to Ogata's is silent, and Hiroyuki stares out the window, letting the scenery flash by in blurs of color. He doesn't think about the way Saeki's eyes followed him around the room, or the grim set of his jaw. Instead, he thinks of Touya-sensei's booming laugh, and Akiko-san's sparkling eyes. He remembers Akira's curious gaze following the movement in the room and asking questions. He focuses on the feel of Ogata's hand on his thigh, solid and warm and there. 

They reach the apartment complex a few minutes later, and are in Ogata's apartment when the older man presses him up against the door and kisses him. Ogata tastes of cigarettes and alcohol, his tongue warm and coaxing. Hiroyuki kisses him back, leaning into Ogata's embrace. 

Ogata's hands are unbuttoning his jacket, pushing it off his shoulder, unbuttoning his shirt until the calloused fingers stroke skin. He sighs into Ogata's mouth, moving his hands to unbutton Ogata's jacket, but Ogata pulls away and leads them into the bedroom. 

Hiroyuki finishes undressing, averting his eyes as Ogata begins to disrobe as well. Ogata's hands are on his hips, pulling him forward, and he looks up into the other man's eyes. Ogata smirks and shakes his head.

"I spoke to Saeki today," Ogata says, face buried in Hiroyuki's neck, teeth scraping at the exposed skin.

"What did Saeki-kun say?" he gasps, pressing closer. "Don't leave any marks, Ogata-san. I have a match tomorrow."

Ogata nips his ear. "Saeki warned me about hurting you," he says, voice warm and amused against his ear. "He seems to think I'm forcing you." Ogata's hands are traveling down his body, stroking and caressing.

As Ogata pulls him onto the bed and begins to kiss down his chest, he wonders why Saeki cares, but Ogata's mouth is on his erection, and all thoughts are driven away by sensation and broken pleas.

 

**.//standing on the edge of reconciliation.2001**

They are sharing a room at a convention the next time they see each other. Saeki is laying on one of the futons when he enters, and he almost turns and leaves, except Saeki is sitting up and looking at him. Hiroyuki takes a deep breath and enters the room, placing his overnight bag in a corner. 

"Hello, Saeki-kun," he greets, taking off his suit jacket and placing it haphazardly on a chair. "I didn't know we would be sharing a room."

"Neither did I," Saeki replies, and Hiroyuki can feel Saeki's eyes on him. "I heard Ogata-san made the room arrangements."

That makes him pause a moment before he shrugs it off. He remembers Ogata mentioning being in charge of the rooming assignments, but he hadn't thought that Ogata would be cruel enough to have put them together. "I remember Ogata-san saying that," he replies, turning to smile at the other man. "I had thought he he and I would have roomed together." 

Saeki flinches and Hiroyuki feels a small sort of comfort in it. He remembers Ogata telling him about the night of the party, about his and Saeki's conversation, and Hiroyuki feels confused and hurt and angry. He remembers telling Saeki how he felt all those years ago, remembers being rejected. It's unfair of Saeki to be doing this to him now, to warn other people off even though Saeki himself doesn't want him. 

Hiroyuki takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "I'm going to outside," he says and leaves.

Their hotel is on the seashore, and he has vague recollections of his brother running through the surf and his parents watching in amusement from the beach. There is more to the memories, he knows, but he's not sure what. He walks along the shore, shoes in his hand, and lets the surf lick his feet. 

Distant laughter floats on the wind, and he raises his face to look at the sky, letting the wind and voices and sound of the ocean wash over him. It's familiar, he knows, the sounds and feel of the area. He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and calls Hiroshi. 

"What's up, Yuki?" his brother answers, and Hiroyuki thinks that maybe it's a bad time to call.

"Nothing," he admits. "I just had a question, but if you're busy, it can wait."

"I'm never too busy for my baby brother," Hiroshi replies. "Where are you? I hear water."

"I'm at the beach. There's a convention in Chiba that I was asked to help with."

There is silence on the other line for a second before Hiroshi speaks again. "Stay away from the water, Hiroyuki," he warns, and his voice is serious.

"Why? I can swim, Hiro-nii," Hiroyuki replies, annoyed. "Ka-san made a big deal about it when we were younger, remember?"

"Yeah, but do you know why she made such a big deal about it, Hiroyuki?"

"No," he replies, but something is nagging at the back of his mind.

"Ashiwara-san!" someone calls, and he turns to see Saeki stalking towards him.

"I have to go, Hiro-nii," he says into the phone. "I'll talk to you later. Tell Michiko-san I say hello." He hangs up the phone and waits for Saeki to reach him.

"It's almost time to meet with the event coordinators," Saeki informs him once he's caught up.

"Thank you, Saeki-kun," Hiroyuki says, smiling and walking past him. He's stopped by Saeki's hand on his wrist. "Is there something else, Saeki-kun?"

Saeki is staring at him, and Hiroyuki wavers under his gaze. "You're still avoiding me," Saeki says after a moment.

"I'm not avoiding you," he denies. "You were avoiding me."

"I was not-"

"You were," Hiroyuki asserts. "Ever since Akazawa-kun's party, you avoided me. And then you wouldn't even look at me after the pro exam, but now all of a sudden, you're telling Ogata-san to leave me alone, and I don't understand. If you don't want me, why can't someone else?" 

"Because he's not right for you! He'll just hurt you, Ashiwara-san."

"Like you did?" Hiroyuki bites back scathingly, and Saeki drops his hand.

"I didn't mean to," Saeki whispers, and Hiroyuki almost can't hear it because of the rush of surf.

"Yes, well you did," Hiroyuki whispers back before walking away, leaving Saeki standing on the beach.

\--

Waves are crashing over him, pulling him down, and all he can do is thrash about, try to break free and breathe. Salt water stings his eyes and he opens his mouth to scream, but water rushes in, choking and gagging him, and he can only scream in his head. There is a hand reaching for him, and he tries to grab it, but the water is thick and restricting. 

"--wara-san."

There's a hand on his shoulder now, pushing him down, down, down. He struggles, twisting his shoulders, trying to dislodge the appendage.

"--shiwara-san!"

He thinks he can hear a voice over the deafening crush of water and the pounding in his ears, and he cries out, straining to hear the voice and to call for help.

"Ashiwara-san! Wake up!"

His eyes open and he sits straight up, hand going to his throat as he gasps for air.

"Are you all right, Ashiwara-san?" Saeki is beside him, hand on his shoulder, looking at him with unreadable eyes. 

"I'm fine," he pants, wrenching away from Saeki's touch. He hears Saeki sigh. 

"You are not fine, Ashiwara-san," Saeki says after a moment. "You were crying and screaming. How is that fine?"

He wants to lash out, to ask why Saeki cares, but he shakes his head. "I was just having a nightmare," he assures him. "I used to have them a when I was younger. Hiro-nii says I always used to crawl into his futon so I could sleep." Saeki is quiet while he rambles, and Hiroyuki is thankful that Saeki has nothing to say. He's not sure he could handle being laughed at right now. 

"Scoot over," Saeki says suddenly, nudging Hiroyuki with his shoulder.

"What for?" he asks with a frown.

"Having someone sleep with you got rid of the nightmares, right? We have an early morning, so I'd rather you sleep so you can't used exhaustion as an excuse when I beat you."

"You don't have to, Saeki-kun," he protests. He doesn't want Saeki in his bed, not even if it's just so he can sleep. "Really."

Saeki yawns. "Scoot over, Ashiwara-san," he says again, crawling onto the empty space that Hiroyuki has given up. He pulls the covers up and pushes Hiroyuki down. "Sleep."

Hiroyuki doesn't say anything, just stares at the ceiling and listens as Saeki's breathing evens out. The futon is too small for both of them, and Saeki is pressed uncomfortably close against him. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart, when Saeki's arm wraps itself around Hiroyuki's waist. 

Saeki's body is warm, he thinks as he cuddles against him. He falls asleep wrapped in the warmth of Saeki's embrace and dreams of Saeki, go, and Ogata's smirk.

 

**.//standing on the edge of happiness.2002**

"Hurry up, Yuki-nii!" Sunako calls, hands on her hips. "If we don't hurry, the tickets are going to be sold out!"

Hiroyuki shakes his head as he walks faster to catch up with his sister. "You know what ka-san told you," he warns. "You can't buy the tickets until you have someone to take you."

Sunako rolls her eyes. "You're taking me, duh."

"I have a game that afternoon, Sunako-chan," he protests weakly. "I don't know if I'll be able to take you."

"You're playing Akira-san," she says. "He'll beat you quickly so that you can take me to see the musical."

"What?" he splutters. "I can beat Akira-kun."

"One out of every six games, Yuki-nii," she informs him. "Besides, you promised."

Hiroyuki sighs. "I know," he says, "but does it really have to be Tenimyu?"

"It has to be," she asserts. "I have to see Shirota-san and Aiba-san or I'll die."

"You won't die," he replies.

"I will," she says seriously. "I'll die if I don't get to see them, and it will be all your fault, Yuki-nii."

"Whatever happened to my sweet baby sister?" he asks and receives a glare. "Fine, fine," he relents. "Let's buy the tickets."

Sunako smiles and grabs his hand, pulling him forward.

"Yuki-nii!" Sunako exclaims, pointing to a girl with bright pink hair. "I want to do my hair like that for the show. If I do that, Shirota-san and Aiba-san will notice me for sure in the front seat."

"I am not buying front row tickets, Sunako," he admonishes. "I don't have that type of money."

Sunako is about to reply when the pink haired girl turns around, arms crossed. "I won't accept anything other than front row, Kouji-nii," the girl exclaims loudly.

"See?" Sunako says. "I'm with her."

The girl looks over, and Sunako nods before dashing off to stand next to the other girl. Hiroyuki sighs and walks over. 

"Sunako," he begins, only to see Saeki stalk up behind the two girls. "Saeki-kun!"

"Ashiwara-san," Saeki says, looking surprised. "What are you doing here?"

He points at Sunako, who sticks her tongue out. "Buying tickets for my sister," he replies. "You?"

Saeki looks down at the other girl, who turns her nose up at him. "Same," Saeki admits.

"Stop stalling, Kouji-nii," the pink haired girl says. "I want my tickets."

"Same here, Yuki-nii," Sunako pipes up. "Front row."

"What she said," Saeki's sister agrees.

"Hanako, I told you I don't have that type of money! Those tickets are expensive," Saeki argues.

"You promised me the best tickets," Hanako glares. "I want the best."

"It's my birthday, Yuki-nii," Sunako whines. "I want to see Shirota-san and Aiba-san close up!"

Hiroyuki sighs. "Fine," he relents. "I'll get you front row tickets."

Sunako grins and hugs him. "Thanks, Yuki-nii! You're the best!"

"See? He's getting her front row tickets. You should do the same," Hanako says.

"I am not buying you front row tickets just because Ashiwara-san is getting his sister front row tickets," Saeki replies, annoyed. He looks apologetically at Hiroyuki. "I don't even want to go to this thing."

"Fine," Saeki's sister declares, "I'll go with them."

"With us?" Hiroyuki asks, startled.

"That would be so cool!" Sunako squeals.

"You can't impose on Ashiwara-san, Hanako!" Saeki exclaims.

"It's not a problem, Saeki-kun," Hiroyuki assures him weakly, wondering if he has enough to buy three front row tickets and still pay rent next week.

"It is," Saeki argues. "She can't just arbitrarily decide to go with someone she doesn't even know just because I won't get her a front row seat."

"Oh please, Kouji-nii. You know him, so it should be fine if I go with him," Hanako replies, rolling her eyes. "Besides, she's my new best friend and you wouldn't want to tear me away from my new best friend, would you?" 

Sunako is grinning widely at this. "You really shouldn't, Saeki-san," she agrees. "It would be detrimental to her social development."

"You need to stop reading Hiro-nii's old psychology textbooks, Sunako-chan," Hiroyuki admonishes. "And it really isn't a problem, Saeki-kun."

"I told her I'd take her, so I'll take her," Saeki replies through clenched teeth. "I'll buy you the stupid tickets."

"Front row?" Hanako asks skeptically.

"Fine," Saeki agrees.

"Next to my new best friend?" Hanako adds.

"Come on, Saeki-kun," Hiroyuki cuts in before Saeki can say anything. "Let's go get the tickets. Stay here, Sunako-chan, Hanako-chan."

They are walking away when he hears Sunako tell Hanako that Saeki is mean, and he hears Hanako agree. Hiroyuki shakes his head and looks at Saeki.

"I apologize for my sister, Saeki-kun."

"I'm sure Hanako started it," Saeki says, shrugging. "I'm sorry that she was so pushy."

"It's fine," Hiroyuki assures him as they get in line. "I don't mind."

"You never mind anything," Saeki mutters.

He can't think of anything to say to that, so he says nothing. Soon enough, they're at the teller and purchasing the tickets. The walk back to where their sisters are sitting and chatting animatedly is silent.

"Come on, Hanako," Saeki says as they reach the two girls. "We've got to go."

"Sunako-chan and I want to go see a movie," Hanako announces.

"What?" Saeki cries. "I have things to do!"

"Like what?" Hanako scoffs. "Sit in your apartment and stare at that picture? Sheesh," she sighs. "You're so pathetic, Kouji-nii."

Saeki is bright red, and Hiroyuki smiles uncomfortably. He can see Sunako giggling behind her hand and he sighs. "Come on, Sunako-chan."

"Movie," Sunako says, linking her arm with Hanako's. "You promised me a movie, anyway, Yuki-nii."

"We can go together," Hanako says, smiling widely at her brother. "Come on, Kouji-nii. You know you want to."

Saeki scowls, but agrees. "But that's it," he warns Hanako. "We have to go home after that."

"Yeah, yeah," Hanako waves him off. "After dinner, home. Right."

"The movie, Hanako! After the movie!"

Hanako turns to Sunako and grins. "It's a date!"

Hiroyuki has a bad feeling about this, but he can't begrudge his sister a bit of fun. "Let's go," he says, turning to smile apologetically at Saeki. "Why don't you girls pick the movie?"

"Your brother is so cool, Sunako-chan," Hanako exclaims. "Kouji-nii never lets me pick the movie."

The two girls run off ahead of them, and Saeki sighs. "I'm really sorry about this, Ashiwara-san."

"It's okay," Hiroyuki asserts. "Besides, we haven't really done anything together since before Akazawa-kun's party."

Saeki nods slowly. "True."

"And we did agree to start hanging out again, but you keep cancelling," Hiroyuki points out cheerfully.

"I told you, I was busy," Saeki defends. "And Morishita-sensei keeps asking me to help him out at events."

Hiroyuki grins and grabs Saeki's hand. "So we can hang out today, and if someone asks, you can say it's our sisters' fault."

Saeki frowns. "What about you?"

"What about me?" he asks. "I like you, so I'll take any excuse to be with you, Saeki-kun."

"Stop saying that," Saeki hisses, face heating up. "What if Hanako hears?"

"I'm sure Sunako-chan has already told her," Hiroyuki replies dismissively. "Actually, I'm sure that they're doing this because you keep cancelling on me."

"We were going to hang out tomorrow," Saeki argues weakly.

"I'm sure you'd have found some way to get out of it," Hiroyuki cuts in. "The only time we ever hang out anymore is when I drag you to lunch during games."

Saeki shakes his head, but he's smiling, and Hiroyuki has to control the impulse to lean over and kiss him. He reminds himself that they are just friends, that Saeki isn't interested him, and Hiroyuki lets go of Saeki's hand. "They're going to leave us behind," he explains. 

Saeki nods, and they begin walking faster.

\--

Sunako and Hanako decide to sit in the back of the movie theatre, warning their brothers that they are under no circumstances to sit with them. Saeki shakes his head and leads Hiroyuki to a row in the middle of the auditorium. 

Hiroyuki sits down and looks at the screen, Saeki sitting beside him. 

"What do you think the movie is about?" Saeki whispers.

"I don't know," Hiroyuki admits, turning to face Saeki. "Sunako has been wanting to see it, though."

"It's probably girly, then," Saeki decides.

Their shoulders brush, and Hiroyuki realizes that they're sitting too close, even with the armrest between them. He wants to pull away, but Saeki is looking at him with serious eyes, so he smiles and stays still. Saeki smiles back, and props his elbow on the armrest, resting his cheek in his palm. Saeki's head is barely a centimeter away from Hiroyuki's shoulder, so Hiroyuki takes a deep breath, and Saeki is resting his head on Hiroyuki's shoulder. 

They stay like that for the entire movie, neither of them moving, and they do not say anything about it when Hiroyuki and Sunako walk Saeki and Hanako to the train station after dinner.

 

**.//standing on the edge of tomorrow.2007**

"We never did discuss that game," Hiroyuki says randomly, staring at the goban.

"What game?" Saeki asks, frowning. "We always discuss our games."

"The game we played before we went to Akazawa-kun's."

"That was years ago, Hiroyuki."

"I know, but that it bugs me that we didn't talk about it."

Saeki sighs, placing his stone on the board. "Do you even remember it?"

Hiroyuki plays his move, effectively killing white's territory in the upper right corner. He watches as Saeki balks before replying, "Of course I do, Kouji. I remember every game we've ever played."

"Every game?" Saeki is looking at the goban, face scrunched up in concentration.

"If you play there," Hiroyuki muses, "I'll just kill the stones in the center. And yes, every game."

Saeki glares and places the stone back in the go ke. "I resign," he says. "And how do you remember every game?"

"Thank you for the game," Hiroyuki answers back, bowing slightly. "And I remember everything about Kouji!"

"I'm sure you do," Saeki says with a smile. "So, this move here," he begins, pointing at the go ban. "If I had gone here, you wouldn't have killed this cluster, right?"

Saeki looks up from the board when Hiroyuki doesn't respond. Hiroyuki smiles and says, "We can discuss it tomorrow," before leaning down to kiss Saeki.

Saeki kisses back, and the game remains forgotten on the goban.


End file.
